I know this is selfish of me but I think I'm depressed. It's this nagging pain in my heart that just won't go away and here I thought foolishly it would vanish with time. U know, how time heals and forgets but I think I've been lied to about that one.
I don't look depressed in any way from the outside. How could I when I'm constantly surrounded by the best of friends, fun classes, crazy assignments, non stop activities and trips to visit a sick friend to give as much moral support as I can.
But that's what worries me. I'm in a state of denial that's threatening to burst, to just explode in my face. Tears are threatening to spill as I write this blog. Shish. I'm so emotional lately, I can't believe I can get up and go through the motions..
I never thought I could be so damn lonely. Fuck! I sound so damn selfish and self-centred but it's the damn truth. I'm so fucking lonely becuz I have no one I can be with where I can just be myself, my real self. That's why I'm so fucking lonely and I never thought a person could feel this amount of loneliness and hide it. Damn.
Probably that's why I'm writing this post. That fear in the pit of my stomach that things could just blow up.
I lost a good friend, a friend I could talk to, could easily say what I want no matter how shallow or how stupid it may sound without the worry of being judged. And I lost my friend to his girlfriend. I know it's foolish of me to believe his promises bout me being a priority and he'd always be there for me but no one can blame me for believing such hopeful things and no one should ever blame him on leaving me behind. These things happens all the time.
On top of that, waking up everyday knowing the person u're with now just won't love you how he loved his first lover. Ergh, it's hard to admit this but I have to or I'd be in too much denial. Seeing but ignoring is hard but that thin film of coolness may break anytime. Seeing him mention her everywhere, those little acknowledgements, seeing thoughts of her fleet across his face when he looks at me. How does a person wake up to that?
Writing this all down is easing that burden in me.